Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Heavenly Golf Joke

This is my favorite joke.  I don't often tell it to an unknown audience, however, because, well, it involves Jesus and Moses playing golf and behaving like golfers.  This offends some people.  If you are someone who is likely to be offended by it, you have been warned.

It was a beautiful day on earth, but up in Heaven, where it's always a beautiful day, it seemed a bit tedious.  Moses noticed that Jesus seemed particularly bored that day, so he suggested that they put on human form and go down for a game of golf.

Jesus agreed and as they strode out on to the links, he seemed to perk up considerably.

"This is exactly what I needed," he said.  "I feel like I'm going to play great today.  I feel like... Arnold Palmer!"

And as a result, he played a little recklessly, but he managed to keep even with Moses' more cautious play.

They came to a long hole with a dog-leg around a large water trap.  Moses drove down the fairway, intending to take an extra stroke around the dogleg and avoid the water, but Jesus looked across that water trap to the little flag in the hole beyond it.

"I'm going for the green," he said.  "I feel like Arnold Palmer today. I'm going for a hole in one!"

He wound up and swung... and the ball sailed high and then fell straight down into the water.  Jesus let out a sigh and turned to Moses.

"Uh, would you mind?"

Moses raised his arms and parted the water and Jesus went down and got his ball and brought it back.  He teed it up again, and to Moses' surprise, he angled like he was going to go for the green again.

"Are you sure?" said Moses.

"I told you, I feel like Arnold Palmer today. I'll make it this time."

Of course, he didn't.  The ball sailed high and went into the water again.  Jesus looked at Moses, and Moses sighed.

"All right, but if you drive into that water again, I won't help you."

He raised his arms and parted the water, and Jesus retrieved his ball.  He came back, and teed up again, and looked down the fairway, and then again at the green and then at Moses.

"I really feel like Arnold Palmer," he said.  "I'm going for it."

Moses crossed his arms and scowled and watched as Jesus, once again, drove the ball high and long and straight into the water.

Jesus didn't even ask this time, he just went down to the pond, and walked out across the top of the water to look for his ball.

A couple of other golfers who had come up behind them, watched in amazement as he walked around on the surface.

"Who the heck does he think he is?  Jesus Christ?" said one of them.

"No," said Moses with a sigh.  "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"


See you in the funny papers.

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