Misplaced Hero - Episode 38

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Episode 38 - Sword to Sword

by Camille LaGuire

Alex stepped out of the alley and made his way along the road.  The shadows were long and he stuck to their darkness until he was as far as possible from the alley, then he stepped forward and drew the sword.

It made a sharp metallic ring as he drew it, and Pookiterin turned immediately, his own sword raised and at the ready.  It was a wicked-looking thing -- ornate and heavy, and slightly shorter than the sabre Alex carried, but with both a sharp point and an edge.  He didn't know where Pookiterin got it.

"Who are you?" called Pookiterin. Alex stepped more fully out into the light.  Who was he?  Zorro? The Avenger? The Scarlet Pimpernel?  Alex had no idea. He had no real identity.  Then a line of poetry hit him -- probably Thorny's influence.

"I'm Nobody," he announced and tilted his head. "Who are you? Are you nobody too?"

Pookiterin looked him over, and recognized his own uniform.  And then he sneered, and glanced up and down the road as if looking for others, or maybe traffic.  Seeing none, he turned his back on Alex and stalked across the road, to the opening in the fence which led down to the river.

"That's no way to treat an armed opponent!" called Alex.

"You're nobody," said Pookiterin, without looking at him.  His eyes were studying the shadows where Thorny was lurking.  Alex had to distract him before he spotted the professor.

"Well, I did take your uniform," Alex said.  Alex circled around as he spoke, hoping to force the colonel to look away from where Thorny was creeping along in the shadows.

"And I've got your sword," he continued, taunting on while Pookiterin said nothing. "Well, the girl actually took it from you, but I've got it now.... And you don't care?  Is there something wrong with this sword?"

Pookiterin clearly wasn't into swashbuckling banter, nor did he see Alex as a threat.  Maybe Alex was too far away.  He circled back into Pookiterin's line of sight, and then lunged at him, picking up speed as he went.

But just then, as Alex thought he was going to have to run the man through to get his attention, Pookiterin saw Thorny.

The colonel lurched forward, his attention like a laser on the old man in the shadows. The moved took Alex by surprise, but he managed a backhand slap at the colonel's rear end.

The man wheeled around, his sword swinging down and around in a move which Alex merely dodged rather than engage.

And it was then that Alex registered that Pookiterin had been running with the sword raised high, like he was going to bring it down on Thorny's head. Not like he was going to capture him or take him hostage.

"You're trying to kill him?" said Alex.

Pookiterin answered with another thrust, this time coming up from below as if to gut Alex.  Alex beat the blade aside and then, his blade being low itself, he jabbed at the man's knee.

Pookiterin lept back and parried in one fluid motion that said the man had experience with a sword.
But then he turned and raced again toward Thorny, who ducked behind a rain barrel.  Pookiterin's blade chopped into the barrel like an ax, and stuck there just long enough for Thorny to roll away out of reach.

Thorny was unarmed, harmless. And this guy was trying to kill him.

Alex would have run him through, if the man hadn't also thrown himself to the ground, rolling and pulling his sword free in one motion that pulled the empty barrel over and rolled it into Alex.

Alex shoved the barrel back at Pookiterin.  The colonel was now cornered in the opening of the alley.  Alex called to Thorny.

"Run.  Hit the river now!"

Thorny scrambled off.

Pookiterin kicked the barrel back at Alex, and Alex shoved it back again.

"Forget it," said Alex.  "I won't let you have him."

"I will kill him," said Pookiterin, his voice suddenly flat and quiet with determination.  "I will cut him to ribbons."

"Why?" asked Alex as they continued to shove the barrel back and forth.  Pookiterin made it to his feet.

"Others have let my superiors down," said Pookiterin.  "But I will not.  I will do what no one else can do, and I will be commended for it."

"You're doing this for a gold star?"

"Yes, for a general's star."

And then, suddenly, Pookiterin attacked.

He slashed at Alex's face, and only missed taking out both eyes because he misjudged the length of the shorter, heavier blade.

Alex rocked back and couldn't even get back en garde before Pookiterin leaped up to the top of the barrel and used his momentum to roll himself forward.

As he leaped nimbly to the ground, Alex revised his opinion of the man's competence.  He might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer... but he knew how to use the sharpest knife.

And just now, as Alex barely parried a flurry of slashing strokes, he wasn't at all sure if challenging the man to a duel had been such a hot idea.

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Nine: "Rozinshura vs The Plot"

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---

The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 37

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Episode 37 - Run For The River

by Camille LaGuire

Though they could see the river from the high road beside the railroad tracks, there was no direct route through the tangle of houses and walls on the hillside between.  They wove to and fro among the houses, listening for sounds of pursuit behind them.

Alex had no idea how the ring actually worked, but he wanted to get to the water while you could still see reflections, just in case they were necessary for the magic to work.  Besides, there were soldiers and security guys all over.  They needed to just get out of there as fast as possible.

They came to a dead end, and then another dead end, and then, suddenly, there was another road.  And the river was on the other side of the road.  There was a wall blocking access just there but further along the wall gave way to a fence, and you could see that there was access to the river below.

But just then a lone figure hurried along the road.  Alex and Thorny pulled back into the shadows.  They almost didn't recognize the man, who was now dressed in a sloppy uniform -- probably the uniform Alex had discarded.

It was Pookiterin.

He trotted long, determined and wary, carrying an ornate sword.  It wasn't as long as a sabre or as heavy as a cutlass, but it looked wicked as it glinted in the twilight.

He stopped at the spot where you could go down to the water, and scouted along, looking down at the boats and across the river.  Then he turned and looked up and down the road.

He must have heard when Alex told Lina he was headed for the river.  And now he was waiting for them.

Or not.  After a moment he crossed the street, as if he were going to search among the tangled alleys among the houses.  Good!  He was starting at the other end, so maybe they could sneak out while he searched.

Alex gestured for Thorny to stay put and slipped out further to watch where Pookiterin went.  For a moment the man disappeared as though going up an alley, but then Alex saw movement.  He'd have missed it except that the sky still reflected on a wall further on, and Alex could see the man's profile, waiting in the shadows.  He wasn't searching the alleys.  He was watching for them.

Just then there was a glint of steel and Alex could see the sword again.... And suddenly Alex knew exactly what he needed to do.

Alex took a deep breath and pulled back into the cul-de-sac. He pulled Thorny along with him.

"Thorny, listen. I need you to do something."  Alex slipped off the ring his aunt had given him.  "This ring is what brought us here.  It's magic.  That's why my aunt told me to wear it and go jump in a lake."

Thorny stared at the ring.  Alex wasn't sure he comprehended what Alex was saying, but the man took the ring and squinted at it.

"I need you to wear it," continued Alex, "so I don't lose it in the fight."

"Fight?" said Thorny with alarm.

"I'm going to have to distract Pookiterin so we can get to the river.  I'm going to go... challenge him.  Then you run straight for the river and jump in. Got it?"

"No, I don't got it," said the old man.

"I know it's hard to understand, but just trust me.  Wear the ring, and jump into the water, and it will take you home."

"I've got that," said Thorny.  "What I don't got is what about you?  If I jump in without you, you'll be left behind!"

"Don't worry about me--"

"I'll worry about you if I like!"

"Professor, I'm supposed to be here. I'm from here.  I'm an misplaced hero, remember?  This is my place.  And it's my duty to get you home.  So don't argue."

"But...."  The old man scowled at the ring, and hesitated.

"Thorny, you've got to escape now, while you can.  You got no money, no place to go, no papers, you don't know the language.  If you get stuck here, they're going to shoot you for being a spy."

Thorny still stared at the ring for a moment, but then suddenly he slipped it on.

"All right," he said.  "All right, but you come along if you can.  For all we know, I'll end up in some other world altogether.  I don't want to be alone there, and sober too."

"Good!" said Alex.  "So here's what we're going to do...."

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Eight: "Sword To Sword"

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 36

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Episode 36 - Finding Thorny

by Camille LaGuire

As soon as Pookiterin hit the ground, Alex jumped forward to snap the padlock shut -- to keep the guards inside.  Then they dragged the colonel into the space behind the next building.

The plan was pretty simple.  Alex and the colonel were about the same height.  They'd take Pookiterin's uniform, and Alex would pretend to be an officer newly arrived on the train.  That should be enough to fool the drunk guards.  He'd question them to find out where Thorny was, and send them away.

They stripped the unconscious colonel of all his clothes down to his long underwear.  Silk underwear.

"Very revolutionary," said Lina.

"I'll need the sword," said Alex, as he finished changing. Lina, who'd been porting the sword around like a prize, looked doubtful.

"Why?" she said.

"Because it's a part of the uniform. It'll look wrong if I don't have a sword.  And you look wrong as an ordinary soldier carrying it around like an umbrella."

"Do you know how to use it?"

"Well enough," said Alex.  "But I won't need to."

Pookiterin stirred, and they paused.  Lina handed Alex the sword, and took up a belt of the uniform Alex had discarded.  She tied the colonel's hands, while Alex slid the sword into it's scabbard.

"Listen, I meant to tell you," said Alex. "The captain has your book.  He knows it's important too, so he might have read the note."

She looked up and then back toward the inn, thinking.

"I'll help you get it back," said Alex.

"No, no," said Lina firmly.  "You have to help your friend."

"All I have to do is get to the river.  We've got... transportation there.  I can come right back."

"Don't bother.  I won't be here," she said.  "I am a bandit, remember?  I have my own kinchin here."

"You do?"

She rose and looked at him with a frank smile. 

"You helped me very good," she said, and she leaned forward and kissed him, quickly.

"You're... welcome," he said, but she was already headed back to the shed. She scooped up the keys and unlocked the padlock.

One of the guards tumbled out, so Alex had to go into his act.  He shoved the man back into the shed and shouted at him.

"Who are you?  You are a disgrace!"

The other guard was asleep across the top of a box.  Thorny was prone on the floor, and for a moment Alex feared he was hurt or dead, but then he moved.  He was only tied up.  Alex marched over and shouted at the sleeping guard.

"I am Colonel Sanders!" he said.  "We have an emergency. Take the car which is fueling at the train station and meet Pookiterin behind the inn, by the stable.  You will wait for him there."

"But the prisoner," said the first guard.

"I will take charge of him!  Now, spushta!"

He chased them out of the shed, and then ran back to free Thorny.

The knots were very tight.  He used Pookiterin's sword to cut the gag, carefully, so as not to accidentally slice off an ear or anything.

The old professor spit and coughed for a moment once the gag was out, and then with a dry moaning voice began to speak.

"I thought I was going to die.  I thought I was dead.  I thought I could write poetry!"

"You were right on every count," said Alex.  He got the ropes cut, and then pulled the man to his feet.  "I'll explain later."

"Is this explainable?" asked Thorny incredulously.  "If there is an explanation, I'd like to hear it.  I didn't think there was one."

Before Alex could explain, Lina called urgently.

"There are soldiers outside."

"Don't worry," said Alex.  "We're in uniform. We can walk right past them."

"They'll find Pookiterin!" said Lina.  Alex peeked out the door.  She was right. The soldiers were getting close to where they'd left the colonel. "I'll distract them!"

She raced out of the shed, calling to the four soldiers on the road.

Alex wanted to call her back. Those soldiers were so close to Pookiterin, that a single moan would find him... and then Lina would be recognized.

But the longer Alex delayed, the more chance that she'd be caught.  He took Thorny's arm and the pair of them marched out of the shed, and down the road.

As they turned down a narrow and steep road that went to the river,  Alex glanced back.

Lina and the soldiers were out of sight.

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Seven: "Run For The River"

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 35

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Episode 35 - The Cussar Sword

by Camille LaGuire

It was a good thing that Pookiterin caught sight of his reflection in a window just before the train pulled in.  His mustache was lopsided!  The girl had cut it when she stole his sword.  He shuddered with humiliation.

He could not face his colleagues with half a mustache!  And if the train were carrying his enemies... that was all the worse.

He pulled out his grooming kit and hastily trimmed and pruned the remaining hair.  The light was poor in the dusk, but the reflection was clear enough to see it was presentable.

The train pulled in while he was trimming, but he paused to brush away loose hairs and straighten his collar.  The act of grooming was always calming for Pookiterin.  When he looked good, he had confidence.

He flicked some dust off his sleeve and reminded himself that, whatever had gone wrong in the capital, he could blame that clown Rozinshura for everything that had happened here.  The man was a known liar.  If he said anything about the girl, everyone would assume it was a lie.

The first officer off the train was Colonel Sochir.  Though Sochir was a rival, Pookiterin was thrilled to see him; it meant he had not been arrested.  Things might have gone wrong, but there was no disaster.

Sochir spotted him from the platform, and rushed to greet him.  He drew Pookiterin aside, away from the others.

"Is Argoss alive?  Has he spoken?"

"He's alive. I have him hidden away. When I heard Vshtin was coming, I thought it best to wait for orders."

"Good man! The plans have changed. It is now critical to blame this on the Cussars, you understand?"

"Yes, kinchin. Of course."

"Has anyone else spoken to him?"

Pookiterin hesitated.  It would be best not to hide the fact that Rozinshura got involved.

"We had some interference from the district facilitator--" he began.

"These facilitators are always impudent," said Sochir.

"Indeed," said Pookiterin, warming to the story.  "This one is worse than most.  I had to detain him."

Sochir paused, and then nodded with a smile.

"Excellent. Yes. I will deal with him.  In the meantime, you have an important duty."

"Yes, kinchin?"

"You must kill our spy.  Get a car, take him up the mountain to somewhere near the wreck, a little ways away so people will not wonder why they didn't find him." Sochir paused to signal to an officer. In a moment the officer returned with a long package wrapped in newspaper.

"This is a Cussar sword," continued Sochir, quietly, so others wouldn't hear. "You must kill him with this. Hack at him like a savage, and then drive it in deep and break the sword, to explain why they left it behind."

"Is that... necessary?" said Pookiterin.  He was not fond of blood work, though he could make his drunken guards do the job....

"It is absolutely necessary, kinchin," said Sochir sternly.  "We can salvage everything if we can blame this on a Cussar plot to inflame relations between Imperia and Awarshawa.  But if we fail to blame them, then we are all at risk.  We are counting on you, Pookiterin.  You must do this right!"

Pookiterin clicked his heels and gave a sharp nod of acquiescence.  He took the package and headed back toward the shed.  He was a dizzy and a little sick at the thought of this duty, but it was important.

There were soldiers all along the tracks, busily unloading supplies from the cars.  He hardly noticed them, even when a pair of young soldiers separated themselves from the rest and carried their heavy sacks along the path just behind him.

As Pookiterin reached the shed, he had convinced himself that this duty was so critical it would certainly lead to promotion.  It was a job only a truly loyal man would do.  He would not fail!

He leaned the bundle with the sword against the wall of the shed, and fished out the keys to the padlock.  Just as he unlocked it, though, something large and forceful -- like a sack of flour -- struck him from behind, and he bounced violently against the wall of the shed, and fell to the ground unconscious.

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Six: "Finding Thorny"

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 34

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Episode 34 - The High Commissar Arrives

by Camille LaGuire

"The relief train has arrived," said Tralkulo, as she met Rozinshura in the front hall.  "And the car is back from the mountain."

Rozinshura sent her to fetch the car and the sergeant.  The station was not far, but it was up hill, and with his limp, it would be slow going.  Besides, he needed to talk to them both as they went.

The sergeant reported that they had accounted for more names. All of the missing crew members were dead, as was one of the four foreigners.

"Winston Argoss?" asked Rozinshura.

"Yes, Kinchin Captain.  It appears he was shot by the bandits while he ran away. He was found in the woods."

"I want to hear from whoever found the body. I want to know of anything unusual found in the area.  Also, if anyone has found lost clothing."

"There's a lot of clothing in the debris, Captain."

"I mean away from the debris.  Something... dropped.  Anything that does not belong in the woods."  He paused. "And we must find out about this Cussar girl Pookiterin arrested.  Is she from a village, or did she come across the river?"

He glanced at his sergeant.  The man was exhausted, and in despair over the additional orders.

"Never mind; She's long gone.  We may find her later," he said.  "For now, everyone to the kitchen to eat, and rest and help Niko."

Rozinshura considered the note from the book.  With no one to explain it, this was all the information he would get:  A coup.  A bomb to kill High Commissioner Vshtin, tomorrow.  And a list of names.

If it could even be called a list. The names were scattered and squeezed in, as if the person who wrote them were taking notes and didn't know how many there would be.  They seemed to be in two groups. People to be assassinated?  The assassins themselves?  People to trust or mistrust?

There was only one name there whose part was obvious.  Vshtin.  The High Commissioner could be a zealot, but not so much that he would assassinate himself.  But, for all Rozinshura knew, the traitors could be on the train too.  It would be best to tell Vshtin without alerting anyone else.  Rozinshura could imagine a bloodbath on the station platform, if they thought their plot was uncovered.

He sighed and climbed out of the car.

The platform was covered with security men.  That in itself was alarming, but there were also regular soldiers and workers unloading relief supplies from the train.  Still, Pookiterin might already be there, giving his tale of traitorous locals.

If so, his best defense was to cloak himself in duty and self-confidence.  He grabbed Tralkulo and bulled his way in among the workers. He took their reports. They had supplies and workers and even two doctors.  Good doctors it seemed, but he had no time to see if they were surgeons.

He made a great show of his authority, and directed them all to where they should be.  And then, having built up steam, he headed over to make his entrance on the platform.

The guards were not impressed when he told them he was the district facilitator.

"No admittance!" they said.

"By whose orders?" he replied, pretending astonishment.

"Colonel Sochir."

Sochir's name was on the list, set aside a little from the others.  Still, good or bad, he was closer to Vshtin than Rozinshura.

"Where is he?  I must speak to him at once."

"He is busy."

They stood there like stone, three young men trained to yield nothing.  They were prepared for any assault except, perhaps, for being asked their opinion.

"Then I'll report to you," said Rozinshura. He took a deep breath, prepared to tell a wild tale of impossible problems, but just then a voice from the other end of the platform hailed them.

"Kosha Rozinshura! My kinchin!" called a strong voice; the voice of an orator.

And there came the High Commissioner himself, hailing him by his nickname, as if they were old childhood friends.

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Five: "The Cussar Sword"

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 33

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Episode 33 - Alex Captured!

by Camille LaGuire

Lina lurked in the hall, keeping watch as Alex peeked into the kitchen.

There was no one there.  Not even Niko.  But there was a pot simmering on the stove.

"Niko will be right back," he said.  "Let's hurry."

Almost as soon as he spoke, someone started pounding from within larder. Thorny was awake! Alex fumbled out the keys.

"I'm coming!" he called. "Hold on!"

The pounding stopped as he got the door unlocked. He pulled it open...

And found himself face to face with Captain Rozinshura.

For a moment Alex and Rozinshura stared at each other. And then each grabbed the other by the lapels.

"Where is Thorny?" shouted Alex. "What did you do with him?"

"Who are you?" shouted the captain, and being the one of greater bulk, he propelled Alex backward and up against the wall. "Who ARE you!" he growled again, his nose only an inch from Alex's.

"I'm nobody," said Alex, just as emphatically. "I'm just looking for my friend. What did you do with him?"

"Pookiterin took him," said Niko.  The captain shot him a glare, while Alex made a lurch to get away.

"I have to get him back," said Alex.  "If they take him away to some prison or something, I'll never find him."

The captain made a little sound, and shifted back uneasily, like he knew something Alex didn't.  Alex grabbed his lapels again.

"They're going to do something worse to him, is that what you're thinking?"

"What do you think?" said Rozinshura, almost gently.

"I don't know!"

The captain gave Alex a shake to make him let go, though he kept his own tight grip.  He pulled back and studied Alex at arms length, looking him down and then up again.

"Niko!" he called.  "Why did you give him a uniform?"

"His clothes were wet," said Niko.

"Completely wet, from head to foot?" said the captain. Niko nodded.  "Like the old man."

"Yes, like the old man," said Alex.  "He jumped in the river and I dove in after."

All of a sudden Rozinshura let go of Alex with a shove that sent him back three steps.  Then the captain swore in frustration and held up a book for all to see.

"The book is dry!" he roared.  "It's not yours!"

"That's right," said Alex.

"Then whose book is it?" the captain called up to the ceiling, as if the timbers could answer.  Neither the timbers nor anyone else answered.

"Where did you get the book, captain?" asked Lady Featherdale.

The captain stared for a second at the wall, and then abruptly stalked to the door, calling loudly, "Tralkulo!"

He glanced back at Alex, his eyes a little distant, like he was thinking.

"Who are you?" he asked one more time.  "Who is that old man?"

"We're stowaways," said Alex.  "He's on a drinking binge. He's been hopping trains all over the countryside, and I followed him to keep him out of trouble.  I don't even know where I am."

Alex braced himself for a more difficult questioning than Lina had given him.  The captain looked down at the book and thought for a minute.

"You chased the girl," he said.  "Where did she go?"

"I didn't really chase her," said Alex.  "I just stalled the guards so she could get away."

"Why?"

"Because the colonel is a creep," said Alex.  The captain gave him a blank look, so he explained. "He makes your skin crawl."

Rozinshura nodded as though he understood and agreed.

"Where did she go?"

"I don't know.  Into the stable, I think, but she might have gone over the fence."

The captain looked like he might press the point, but just then the floor rumbled slightly, and there was the sound of a train whistle, not far away.  The captain swore and closed his eyes.  Then he rushed from the room, shouting again for Tralkulo.

Alex turned Niko.

"Where'd Pookiterin take him?"

"I think to the train," said Niko.  "But he might be running away from the train."

"Great," said Alex.

"But if he wanted to run away, he would go to the station anyway, because that is where they fuel the cars."

---

Stay Tuned for Thirty-Four: "The High Commissar Arrives"

First Episode | Series Intro and TOC | Story So Far | Previous Episode

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 32

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Episode 32 - The Locked Larder Committee

by Camille LaGuire

Rozinshura sat at the back of the larder, on the bench, looking down at the odd little book in his hand.  Niko pounded madly at the door, while Lady Featherdale stood between them, uncertain what to do.

"Niko, there is no need to make your hand bloody," said Rozinshura, without looking up from the book.  "Listen first, then pound if you hear something."

"Yes, Kinchin Captain."  Niko, whose hand was sore, hunted down the lid of a crock to pound the door with if necessary.

"Lady Featherdale, was that man Winston Argoss?"

"No, Captain, he wasn't."

"Do you know him? Was he on the train with you?"

"I've never seen him before."

The captain let out a deep sigh and rubbed his head.  None of this made sense.  Lady Featherdale sat down on the bench beside him.

"Do you think the colonel mistook him for Argoss?" she asked.

Rozinshura shook his head.

"This man was carrying secrets, so... Pookiterin did not make a mistake," he said.  He stared for a moment and then burst out rapidly: "But that makes no sense!  I do not believe this man is a spy.  And I do not know where he came from.  I do not know how he gets secrets. He makes no sense."

He looked down again at the book, as though it held answers.  It was an Imprish book; a cheap thriller.  Such books were popular in Awarshawa, even though Awarshi soldiers and spies were always the villains -- portrayed as machine-like and single-minded beasts who kept coming even after being shot or thrown off a cliff.

Not so very different from Awarshi propaganda.

In these books, the Awarshi were always defeated, but it took every ounce of effort to do so.  In real life, Awarshi didn't win much, but like the Cussars, they never gave up. So... Rozinshura liked the books anyway.  He had learned to read Imprish by reading many such books.

And that was how he knew the childish code the message was written in. The boy heroes of such novels always used the same code; write the letters backwards. A silly, easy code a diplomat or a spy would never use.

Would a professor of philosophy use such a code? Perhaps, but it was not a professorial sort of book. It was more the sort of book a professor would confiscate from his students....

Rozinshura sat up.

Perhaps that was how he got it!  He wasn't given the message.  He met up with this student named Alex, and he took the book. And then what?  How did this man get here, so far from anything, and so very drunk, except by train? It made no sense.

"Are you sure you have seen everyone on the train?" he asked the lady.

"The train was a special hired for our delegation," said Lady Featherdale, "so there were no strangers among the passengers.  But I don't suppose I know the crew.  This may sound very imperial of me, but one doesn't notice a porter or a waiter.  They're invisible."

"A waiter!" exclaimed Rozinshura

"You think he was a waiter?"

"Who is invisible, but not invisible?  Who becomes a hero to a drunk when he suddenly appears?"

"Why, I suppose a waiter would fit that description." said Lady Featherdale. "What's the riddle about?"

"Niko! Who is that boy, the one who was helping you?"

"He is from the wreck--"

"No, he is not.  Who is he?"

"He said his name is Alex, Kinchin Captain."

Rozinshura buried his face in his hands.  Right under his nose, with the plate of blootchkes. At least it was also right under Pookiterin's nose.

"Did the colonel show any interest in him?"

"No, Kinchin Captain.  He was his usual arrogant self and hardly noticed him. That's why I gave him the keys."

"Well, we have an advantage if we ever get out of here."

"Captain," said Lady Featherdale, "do you think they will shoot us?"

The captain paused for a very long time.  "Normally I would say no, but if there really is a coup, it depends on who wins.  And the risk is that we may be in the hands of the losers who would not care how Imperia would react."

"Oh," said her ladyship, looking somewhat subdued.

"Listen!" hissed Niko. He pressed his ear to the door.  "Somebody is here.  I can't tell who.  Should I knock?"

Rozinshura nodded.  Sooner probably would be better, for shooting or escaping.

---

Stay Tuned for Episode Thirty-Three: "Alex Captured!"

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---

The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 31

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Episode 31 - There Once Was a Man From Michigan

by Camille LaGuire

The colonel led them to the railway station, and then, after a nervous pause in which he paced back and forth, he led them on beyond the station, to a row of small sheds and warehouses along the tracks.  He kept glaring back at his drunken guards, as if he wanted nothing to do with them, or with Thorny himself.

And Thorny himself? He felt like a dog's dinner.

And not one of your expensive, gourmet dogs' dinners either.  A cheap, half-rotten dog's dinner for which there had been a product recall issued.

And yet....  for all he felt like death warmed over, he also felt very alive.  This was not your ordinary self-inflicted hangover misery.  Or even the misery of a misspent career. This was visceral and dramatic and gritty.

It was poetic, that's what it was. Worthy of a literary masterpiece. He called out, as words came flowing into his head.

"There once was a man from Michigan, who found himself in a fix again...."

That wouldn't do.  He wasn't in a fix again.  This was the first fix of his ever lovin' life.  This was new and fresh.  Michigan just didn't rhyme with new things.

"He hadn't the time, to come up with a rhyme," Thorny continued.  "When the rotten guards threatened him ... with a gun!"

"Shut him up!" cried the colonel. It was a ringing, pathetic cry, like a cry for mercy.

One of the guards swung a wild roundhouse punch, and managed to land it on the side of Thorny's head. Thorny went down on his seat and the guard fell right on top of him, as though Thorny were a live grenade.  My poetry is explosive, he thought.

The colonel had no interest poetry. He paced and seemed to dither, as though not sure what to do next.  He looked down on Thorny and the guard with a look of fearful pain.

"Shouldn't we kill him?" asked guard who was still standing.

"Kill who?" said Thorny.  In answer, and as if to validate Thorny's poem, the guard pulled out a pistol and aimed it at Thorny's head.  This was more of an existential crisis than he was ready for.  He struggled but didn't make it to his feet.

"Yes... no! Not here," said Pookiterin, and he looked around nervously.   He flinched as a train whistle blew in the near distance.  "And not now."

"But Kinchin Colonel, maybe now is better.  Before they get here."

"Now is not better!" said Thorny.  He struggled half up.  "You don't know what's coming on that train!"

The colonel flinched again.  Yes, Thorny had been awake during that conversation in the larder, between the colonel and the captain.  That was what was making the colonel nervous.

"It could be a friend or an enemy, couldn't it?" continued Thorny. "Maybe they want me alive!  Maybe they want to kill me themselves, did you think of that?  After all that fighting you did with the captain to get me, you're just going to dump me in an alley?  Don't be ridiculous!  I could be your ticket to glory!"

The colonel stood there, twitching.  He looked at his guards and then at Thorny.

"Glory?" he said. "You are an embarrassment!  All three of you."

"Then hide us!  Then you can find out where you stand with the people on the train, before you do anything irrevocable."

Pookiterin paused, surprised.  "Hide all three of you, then?  Yes, that will do.  There is just time for that."

He directed the guards to take Thorny into one of the sheds by the tracks, while he went off in search of something. As the guards tied Thorny up, hand and foot, Pookiterin returned.  He did not enter the shed, but rather swung the door shut.  In a moment they could hear the scrape of a latch and then the firm click of a padlock.

All three were now locked in.

"If he keeps going this way, he'll have everyone in the world locked up," said Thorny.  The guards simply kicked him.

---

Stay Tuned for Episode Thirty-Two: "The Locked Larder Committee"

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---

The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 30

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Episode 30 - Lina's Story

by Camille LaGuire

FOR A MOMENT, Lina evaded his gaze, as if she were afraid to tell him about it.  Then she finally just took a deep breath and started talking.

"We were in the woods," she began.  "We had heard there were bandits around, so we were scouting for them.  Then I heard the train wreck."  She looked up finally and continued earnestly.  "It was so loud.  And there was shooting. I sent my little brother to tell the village, and I stayed low until the shooting stopped.  Then I went to see, and I  found a man who was shot and dying. He had unruly gray hair like your friend."

"He was the spy?" prompted Alex.

"He said that there would be a bomb at the council in Marvu, tomorrow.  And that Vshtin would be assassinated."

"Who's he?"

She gave him a sidelong glance, and frowned.  Obviously he should know who the guy was, but Alex wasn't even sure he could pronounce the name.  Alex struggled for a reason for his ignorance, but she suddenly gave him a knowing look.

"You are Freedonian, aren't you?" she said.  "You people listen to nothing but yourselves!"

"Sorry," he replied.  "So this Vush-teen is--"

"Vshtin!" she said, somehow getting all the sounds into one syllable.  "He is our High Commissar.  He is popular, but there are some who think he has too easily made friends with Imperia.  Assassination will incite all sides.  And if they blame it on foreign elements, the whole continent would be at war."

"But this spy said it's not foreign elements?  It's an internal plot?"

"Yes, and the spy told me who was good and who was bad in this plot.  I wrote them down, but I can't remember them without the paper."

"And where is the paper?"

"I put it in a book. Pookiterin took it when he arrested us. But he didn't ask any questions about it. I wrote the names backwards, so perhaps he thought it was nonsense."

Alex sat back.  "I didn't see a book when you guys came into the kitchen.  Could he have left it in the parlor?"

She shook her head.  "He left it in the tavern when the captain took your friend away.  He wasn't interested in my things, only me."

"So it could be still in the tavern with your papers and stuff," said Alex. If the captain wasn't in the tavern, Alex could pretend he was sent to fetch them, and....

"I didn't have any papers," said Lina.  "Just the book."

Alex paused.  Awarshawa didn't seem like the sort of place people went around without papers.  And it was funny how she'd evaded his eyes when she told the start of her story.  Was she lying about why she was in the woods?  He thought about how she had brandished that sword.

"Lina," he said.  "Are you one of the bandits?"

Her jaw dropped for a second, and then she covered her face and started to snort in a goofy laugh that didn't match her beauty -- but it made him laugh too.

"Seriously, Lina, you brandish that sword like a pirate, and you don't have papers."

"In the woods you don't need papers!" she protested.  "Awarshawa is not totalitarian! Is Anarcho-bureaucracy."

"Anarcho-bur....  What does that even mean?"

"It means in the woods you don't need papers."  She shook her head, and then she looked closely at him.  "And what about you Mr. Nobody? You are not from the train!"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because the captain kept asking and nobody knows who Alex is."

"They wouldn't know," said Alex.  "We... stowed away.  That is, Thorny did.  He ... had a nervous breakdown and ran away. I followed him to keep him out of trouble."

"Where did you get on the train?  What town?"

"I... have no idea. I've been chasing him around for days."

"Did you get on in Ertusk?"

Alex was too smart to fall for that trick -- Ertusk, wherever or whatever it was, was probably no where near where the train was coming from.

"I told you, I don't know."

"I think you're a bandit too."

"I won't tell if you don't," he said.  She shrugged, so he went on.  "So you need your book, and I need Thorny, and we both want to avoid the authorities.  I think I have a plan."

---

Stay Tuned for Episode Thirty-One: "There Once Was a Man From Michigan"

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---

The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 29

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Episode 29 - Thorny Revealed

by Camille LaGuire

Throughout the interview, Rozinshura had been sitting lazily, as if he were indeed a fool.  But as soon as Pookiterin was gone, he launched himself to his feet, and made his way across the kitchen with surprising speed to where Niko and Lady Featherdale were waiting.

"Quickly," he said.  "That won't keep him long.  Where are my keys?"

"Pookiterin threatened to search me, so I gave them to the boy to hold," said Niko. Rozinshura swore softly, and looked at the door. He wondered how much trouble it would be to remove the hinges.

"But I do have my own keys," said Niko, and he produced them from a shelf behind some pots and pans.

"Good man!" said Rozinshura.  "Fetch some of your hangover cure too.  He will need it."

Rozinshura unlocked the door and roused the old man. Thornton was hard to wake, but between the captain and Niko, they got him upright and had him drinking the cure, and moaning.  When he was awake enough, they stepped aside and pointed him to the doorway, where Lady Featherdale waited.

When her ladyship saw his face, she gasped.

For a moment Rozinshura's spirits lifted. She knew him!  But then he saw she was not looking at the old man. She stumbled into the larder as though pushed.

Pookiterin was standing behind her with a pistol.  Behind him were his two guards -- the worse for drink but upright.

"You think I am an idiot?" snarled Pookiterin.

Rozinshura sighed.

"I hoped you thought I am an idiot," he said.

"I knew you had the spy here. I knew it!  So I waited to see what you would do when I left, and here he is!"

"My orders are--" began Rozinshura.

"Your orders are worthless!" said Pookiterin.  "I heard the whistle of a train when I went outside.  Whoever is on that train will be no friend of yours. That emissary will come from General Bargellin, my superior."

"Are you sure?" said Rozinshura.

"Of course I'm sure! What am I telling you?"

"Are you sure it's not Vshtin himself on that train?"

"But you said..."

"I lied."

It was as though Rozinshura had dumped a bucket on Pookiterin's head.  The colonel seemed to struggle for breath, but it was no time to celebrate victory. Pookiterin still had the gun and he was pointing it at Rozinshura's heart.

"And the telegraph lines?" stammered the colonel.

"They've been down for a month now. They're always down. It means nothing."

"How did you hear he was coming, then?" said Pookiterin, suspicious.

"We go down to Vinschke every day for orders and messages."

The fact was Rozinshura was lying again; the lines were fine.  But he hoped Pookiterin would run to town to ask his masters for instructions.

But Pookiterin only licked his lips in desperation and waggled the gun.

"You and your cook are still under arrest," he said, his gaze darting back and forth, as if he were making up his story on the spot.  "You helped the Cussar girl escape. And... and yes, you tried to shelter this spy!"

Was he just planning how to cover his tracks, or was he building up courage to shoot them all? As he dithered, Rozinshura decided to help him make up his mind.  The space was small, but he and Niko were to either side.

"If you shoot me now, Niko will kill you," said Rozinshura.  "If you shoot Niko, I will kill you."

Pookiterin drew himself up, looking slightly more panicked, as if that had been his plan, but he recovered well.

"You will be shot by firing squad, according to rules.  For now, you are all under arrest."

"But what about me?" said Lady Featherdale.

"You will be detained!" shouted Pookiterin.  "As a matter of security!  Now give me my spy!"

"Why shouldn't he be detained with us?" tried Rozinshura, but Pookiterin swung his gun to Rozinshura's face and seemed ready to shoot in spite of himself.

Rozinshura surrendered Professor Thornton, along with his keys.  In only a moment the three of them were locked in the larder.

---

Stay Tuned for Episode Twenty-30: "Lina's Story"

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The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.

Misplaced Hero - Episode 28

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Episode 28 - The Girl With The Sword

by Camille LaGuire

Alex stood still a moment, the sword at his throat.

It was a sabre, and the girl was holding it not with the point toward him, but with the edge angled, ready to slash.  Alex's first thought was that she seemed more afraid of him than she had been of Pookiterin.

His second thought was why?

"Why did you try to poison that officer?" she repeated, perhaps answering the question.

"I was just trying to help you."

"Are you an assassin?" she said, narrowing her eyes further.  "Were you trying to stop him from finding out something?

"No!" said Alex.  "It was just a drug. It's anti-poison, actually.  It's in my pocket.  Can I show you?"

"No.  Put your hands on your head and turn around."

When he obeyed, she patted his pockets and found the bottle.  She stepped back to read it, and he turned around to watch.  She frowned at the bottle and mouthed the words with difficulty.  She was a peasant girl and probably couldn't read very well, but at least the writing was in Awarshi. After a second, she looked up.

"It's ipecac," she said, and she almost smiled.  She knew what ipecac was.

"That's right. It would just make him throw up.  And then I could get the drop on him, and you could get away."

She lowered the sword, although kept it at the ready.  She squinted at him as she thought for a moment.

"Why would you help me?" she said.

"I think you were arrested with a friend of mine.  Professor Thornton. He is--"

"Wet and old and drunk?"

"Yes, he fell in the river. Or, actually, he jumped, but he wasn't trying to kill himself. He was just so drunk he thought it was a cool idea."

"He is foolish," she said with a knowing nod.  "He talks too much."

"He's a professor," he replied.  "Words are his business." He paused and then added. "I'm Alex."

"My name is Lina," she said and she rested the tip of the sword casually on the ground.  He remembered, though, how wildly she could wield it.

"So you've see him, then?" said Alex.  "Is he okay?  Did they hurt him?"

"He'll have some bruises," she said.  "Who is he?"

"He's just a professor of literature."

"Why are the captain and the colonel fighting over him?"

"No reason at all.  He's just an old man."

She sank down to sit on a pile of sacks, and blew air out between her lips.  She avoided looking at him, and didn't question his answer, like maybe she had an answer of her own.  He remembered the questions she asked Pookiterin.

"You think my friend was mistaken for somebody else, don't you?" he said.

She nodded slowly.  "I think he fits the description of a real spy who was killed in the train wreck."

"And you know something about this real spy?"

"I saw him die," she said.  "I was with him.  It was no accident."

Alex pulled one of the bales of blankets down and put it on the floor and sat himself.

"Maybe you'd better tell me about it."

---

Stay Tuned for Episode Twenty-Nine: "Thorny Revealed"

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---

The Case of the Misplaced Hero -- now available as an ebook at major online retailers, including:

In most ebook formats at Smashwords, plus Amazon's Kindle Store, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Diesel, Apple iBookstore.  (Coming soon to Sony.)

Now also at Amazon's international stores: UK, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Japan.